Operator - I've been disconnected!

Before an hour or so ago, my thoughts tonight were going to be about finishing the kids backyard playground, uprooting a tree stump, installing a trailer hitch on the truck, and purchasing a bike carrier for the trailer hitch.

But what just happened made me what to talk a bit about "where Im at". The wife and I were laying in bed, watching tv (surrounded by all 3 cats), when the baby started crying. Her philosophy has always been "just let him cry it out". However, after 5 minutes of screaming, I draw the line, and say it's time to tend to the child. You must also remember that Logan is asleep in the same room. Even if he's dead asleep, it can't be good to him to have to listen to all that screaming. I fear that he will either have disturbed sleep, or wake to resent his brother for crying. There have alreayd been mourings when I've overheard him telling Lance to "shut up, and stop making noise", although Lance hadn't cried a peep since the night before.

By problem is 2 fold.

1. Although I knew how connected a pregnancy could make a relationship, I never dreamed of how a child (more specifically parenting issues) could rip a marriage apart.

and 2. I fear that I just don't feel as connected to Lance as I do Logan.

Let's address #2 first. The wife can wait.

Logan has always been the center of attention. He loves the spotlight, and has, for the most part, been a dream as far as "raising" issues are concerned. When it was nap time, I'd sit and hold him in my arms, and we'd often fall asleep together. The tight bond between us seemed to be there from birth. When Lance came along, I often had to put him in his swing for nap time, because there was no way in hell Logan could sit down and shut up long enough for the baby to fall asleep. In the last few months, I've even started (at times) to resent how much attention Logan needs, as I se how much time I DON'T have to devote to Lance. I feel that I have failed, in some ways, because I wasn't able to devote as much one-on-one time to Lance as I did to Logan. Days that the inlaws take Logan for a day have been great, in that I get to spend time just with Lance - we play, we read, we build with blocks..whatever. All the while not having to worry about "what's Logan doing???".

It's important to mention that only on few occasions has Lance ever fallen asleep in my arms. And now it's startin gto bother me how much we refuses to be held. From time to time, he's okay with sitting in my lap for a short time, but when it comes to night time, he wants nothign to do with me. With Logan, when he awoke in the middle of the night, I woul dhol dhim till he fell bak asleep. When I try the same to Lance, he gets 10 times more pissed off that Im holdin him. But other than ignore him, there is no other alternative. I've thgout to myself "Ya better deal with this, kid....I'm all you got at the moment. Mommy said to let you cry".

Maybe he entering the terrible 2's early. Maybe I missed some major developmental moment to connect with him. Maybe he's an entirely different personality type than Logan, and I shouldn't compare them so much.

I'm trying to connect, and will keep trying. It just seems that sometimes Lance acts like he's the nighbors kid instead of mine. Here I thought I has a bit of an authority on child raising, having been pretty much alone to raise Logan, and along comes Lance and tells me that all I think I know aint worth the shit in his diaper.

Now, about the wife. Nothing, save a rare few things that I won't mention - even here - are as unattractive to me as a mother who lacks parenting skills. Let me tell you what I'm dealing with here. Tonight, I brought Lance out to our bed. I though tit woul dsooth him, and I also wanted to remove him from the room so Logan could sleep. After a bit of not calming down, the wife asks him if he wants some milk for his tummy. He just keeps screaming (he is very non-verbal). She asks again, and then just lays there. A few minutes go by, and she asks if he wants some medicine for his tummy.
At this point, I lose it. I ask "Why not ask if he'd like a stock portfolio and some investment tips?!. How the hell does HE know if he wants some medicine for his tummy. You the mom - figure it out. And where the hell is that milk you offered him ?"

Her response: "Well, he didn tsay he wanted it. When he doesn't grunt that he wants it, he won't drink it".

The kid is pissed off majorly, very upset, crying, boogers running down his face, tears, the whole package - and she thinks he going to stop his tantrum for a moment, to answer her. WTF?!
*** Also worth mentioning is that she had all weekend to wash sippy cups, and didn't . She left me high and dry last week without baby wipes . A fast trip to Costco had daddy returnign with a mega box of 30 packages, fuck you very much. This week, it was sippy cups. And I was not about to move off of that bed to get a drink, because I wanted her to feel as frustrated as I did this mourning, trying to find a clean sippy cup.

So here I am - feeling very displeased with my choice of "wife", very disconnected to my 1.5 yr old, and (worst of all), have been very short (in patience) with Logan resently. I've noticed that I've had to apologize for yelling much more than usual. And fo rthings that used to not bother me so much. Like telling him to stand next to me, and having his wander around the resteraunt. Like havin to tell him 15 times to "SIT DOWN AND EAT YOUR FOOD!", or "God damnit, get off that gate! I've had to tell you taht every damn day for 3 years - when are you going to learn!". Or "Why the hell did you swing the front door open so fast. You just clocked your brother in the head!"

I'm very stressed. I get even more stressed on days that I don't mave martial arts classes. Day with classes I have a release - I get to leave the house alone - I get to talk to other adults - and I get to step back for a moment, and reflect on the positive things that happened that day. I have many times, coem home from the dojo, and after huggin Logan, tol dhim that I was sorry about how I yelled earlier that day.

It's just that lately, I've had to apologize too much.

And the worst of all, is that summer is almost here. That means 24/7 non-stop having the wife at home. Oh joy.